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Artlanta 2003. | Edelweiss. | Rising of the Moon. | Yo-Diddle-Lay-Hee-Hoo. | The Moonpie Feud. | Get to Know Broken Bow. | The Key to Being Content. | The Legend of Clemuel P. River. | Making a Change for the Better. | Old Jeremy. | Rising Above T.S. | There's Weirdo! (The Speech.) | She'd Always Be a Great American Legend. | The Fable of the Ceremonial Cake | The Colonel And Bobbie Jo. | Cottonmouth Bit. | Just Happen to be Sailing by. | The Ancestors' Trophy Case. | America United! | Annual Greetings 2. | Pixies | Site Map Page 2. | About Sir Websolot's Mini Site: | Sir Websolot's Favorite Links: | Contact Me
The Moonpie Feud.

Division C Runner-up in Humorous Speech- 1992
Bill Baxter, DTM.

COY McFOY: [crank telephone---rrring!] "Howdy Emma Jane! Get me Willikers--Homer G. Willikers, [hee hee hee] if that ain't the derndest name in these here hills! Oh, much obliged Emma Jane."
 
"Howdy Homer! [pause] Who is this?! Tarnation, Homer, this here's Coy McFoy [pause] My vacation in Los Angeles was just fine, Homer. [pause] What's that? [pause] Yep, were still a feudin' with the Calhounie Clan. Speakin' a feudin', Homer, I never seen feudin' like I seen there in Los Angeles. I was a walkin' down this here street, in that there city, by this here buildin', lined up with a whole heap a city folks buyin' these here tickets. Don't reckon I know why they called that buildin' an Ice Castle, on accounta it was hooter than Zed McPeak's shootin' iron on the Fourth a July! [hee, hee, hee,--spittoon gesture] So I figured it was one of them movie theaters, where them city folks go to see them motion pictures, so I bought me a ticket and went on inside. I musta took a wrong turn or somethin', Homer, because I didn't walk into no movie theater. No, I walked into the biggest dad blame ice shed ya ever seen. I know this because out in de middle of that there floor, was an iceblock, bigger than Ol' Zack Peabody's Goat Pasture.
[pause]" What's that Homer?" [pause] Don't reckon I know why they needed an ice shed that big, Homer, on accounta there weren't no food in there, except for one lousy, stinken moonpie lyin' out in de middle of that there ice block. And that's what these two clans was a feudin' over, Homer! They was wearin' possum knives on the bottom of there boots, so they could slide around on that there ice block! and they didn't use shootin' irons or nothing, Homer. No, they used the dad-blamedest lookin' tree branches ya ever seen! and when they weren't a wompin' at each other with them tree branches, they were usin' them tree branches to try and snatch that there moonpie away from one another. They'd be a slidein' towards one end of that ice block, a wompin' at each other with them tree branches, and trying to snatch that there moonpie away from one another. Then they'd turn around and slide towards the other end of that ice block, a wompin' at each other with them tree branches, and tryin' to snatch there moonpie away from one another. Then they turn around and [spittoon gesture] commence a slidein' in the other direction! I was a gettin' plum dizzy up in them chairs, Homer. [pause] What's that Homer?"
"Yyyyep! There were chairs in that there ice shed. They musta snatched them from the movie theater, or somethin', so that city folks could sit around, watchin' the feudin' goin' on in de middle of that there ice block. But, with all them ding dang tree branches a swingin' everywhere, none came a close ta snatchin' that there moonpie with their bar' hands, except for them two fellers in de turkey cages on each end a that there ice block. I saw the moonpie slide by that one feller in that one turkey cage, and it hit the back a that there cage! Don't reckon I know why them city folks up in them chairs was all riled up, Homer! But I saw that feller in that there turkey cage, pick up that there moonpie. And it looked as tho' they was goin' to devide it among their kinfolk. When outa nowhere, some city slickin' dude, with a black hat, striped shirt, and his pants on backwards, comes a slidin' out towards that feller in that there turkey cage, snatches that there moonpie, and commences a slidein' off in the other direction. And that feller in the turkey cage, just sits there with a possum cage on his face, a doin' nothin'! I tell ya, Homer, if that city slicker had done snatched the moonpie away from me, I'da taken my shootin' iron, and I'da blasted him. [pause] What's that Homer? [pause & delayed spittoon gesture]. No, that city slicker didn't eat that there moonpie. The dang fool done dropped in in de middle of that there ice block, and the feudin' commenced a startin' all over again! Well, I had just about enough a that, Homer, and I headed for the Hills a Tennessee.
 
But I'll tell ya somethin', Homer! [hee, hee, hee] I seen feudin' in my day, but never like I seen between de Kings Clan, and de Cannucks Clan, over one lousy stinkin' moonpie, that took such a beatin' in all that there feudin' and fussin', it probably tweren't wortha eatin' anymore!
 
Mr. Toastmaster.



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